I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
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