We're facebook friends in real life
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
Randomize
