I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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