Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
Randomize
