did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night