I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Randomize
