lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
using the left over highlighters from the blacklight party to study for finals. feeling the need to write insert penis here on my econ notes.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
