Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
I'm just crazy horny about you
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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