I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
Randomize
