My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
