Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
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