wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
Randomize
