Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
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