two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
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