census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
Randomize
