I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
My apartment stinks of burning failure
Randomize
