mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
Randomize
