pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
he had hair everywhere except his balls
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
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