I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
I'm scared at the amount of beastiality in this conversation.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
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