just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
Randomize
