I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
Could you imagine if a Skynet machine combination of Bob Ross and Chuck Norris were built? It would rule the universe with a soft spoken fan brush of kung fu dominance
It would be truly incredible. I hope we are blessed with this being in our lifetime.
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
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