??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
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