Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
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