I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Randomize
