My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize