new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Randomize
