and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
Taylor Swift is so right about you.
I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Randomize
