Since when is my name a synonym for head?
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
Randomize
