college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Randomize
