How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
On a side note I can sing drakes “best I ever had” so good you’d think I was on degrassi.
You have to stop making references to your extense knowledge of 13 year old girl television programming for me to believe you aren’t homo. The Bravo line-up was one thing, but seriously
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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