based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
Ryan Reynolds porn could be a WMD. Have a giant TV on the front of your tank, and just drive around playing it. Everyone dies of orgasm overload.
That's it. Iraq is done. Everyone dies, game over man.
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
I love how my cats smell like pot.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
