possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
Randomize
