Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
Randomize
