3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
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