I wanna bring you to show and tell
I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
Randomize
