i wish peter jackson would direct porn
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
Randomize
