it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
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