He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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