It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
Randomize
