Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
Randomize
