I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Randomize
