Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.