We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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