i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
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Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
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He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.