i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
