So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
If I die, sorry about rent.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
Randomize
