i hate this light. i wouldnt even hook up with me in this light
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
