I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
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