my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
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