ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
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