I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
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