I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Randomize
