my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
whose parrot is this?
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
try to milk me bitch
Randomize
