Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
That's when you crack a 10am beer
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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