my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Ryan Ross and Jon Walker left panic at the disco today.
I predict a mass suicide of the 14 year old girl population...
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
Randomize
