Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
Randomize
